Thursday, May 13, 2010

Leaving Home


This little 4 year-old girl couldn't let go of her daddy while he stood in formation getting ready to be deployed to Iraq for a year. This reservist had another daughter and one on the way as well. According to news reports the CO of this group allowed Paige (the little girl) to stay with her daddy until they finally left Ft. Dix.

I saw this picture and teared up. It reminded me so, so much of when I used to work overseas and how heart-wrenching it is to leave family, especially kids who don't always know what's happening or why.

My biggest fear was that I'd leave for my hitch and come back with my son forgetting who I was. That was always in the back of my mind. Was he old enough to remember? Was he smart enough to know who I was, that I was his father? Very valid concerns by me and every other parent who has to leave family behind.

The one time I came home I got very upset because it took a couple days for my son to "remember" me. I came home and we left the very next day to fly down to Florida. He didn't want a lot to do with me and always looked at me with a far away look, a distant look like saying, "you're here but I don't know who you are. If I did know you, you left me at home all by myself!" It bothered the hell out of me.

Until one day we were down there and it was nap time. I took him up to our room as he bawled and screamed while mommy went out to do some things. I held on to him and talked to him quietly yet he still screamed and writhed in my arms. Finally I laid down on the couch with the nice warm Gulf breeze coming in, covered both of us up with a beach towel and he then fell asleep on my shoulder. I woke up a little more than an hour later thinking how peaceful it was with him sleeping soundly, knowing that he'd remembered me and that it was all right to fall asleep on this guy who was holding him, knowing that he knew who I was. I remember tearing up thinking of that as I held him and wondered just how other parents who worked away from their families dealt with it. Did they worry like I did? How did they cope?

One thing I did was to make a video tape of me reading a book, reading the words and describing the pictures. I did this for my son so he'd see me whenever he wanted and could read along. There are a couple pictures of him eating lunch on a blanket watching his tape of me, which he wanted to do a lot (so I've been told).

One of the last times I left to go overseas to work was the hardest. Hearing, "daddy, daddy, noooooooooo! Stay home!" That had to be the deal breaker. I got on the plane thankful that nobody was next to me and bawled like a baby. I felt like I'd left everything that was anything behind with the thought of never seeing any of it again. It hurt like nothing else ever had, even to this day.

Leaving family is never easy for any reason. Even so much as a day or two on a trip can be tough for some, easy for others. A lot of it, I guess, depends on what kind of relationships are formed and the amount of bonding one has with their families. It's hard to leave, harder to be gone, but undescribeable to come back to waiting open arms that don't ever want to let go. That type of hug makes it all worthwhile.

Just one of those smallish things that I love about my kids. I get hugs and kisses and they couldn't be more filled with love than if I'd done it myself.

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